The collaboration of the couple in decision-making that allows solving the problems that arise in daily life and in the relationship is very difficult. This page gives a series of rules to be able to solve the problems and conflicts that arise in the intimate relationship.
Some tips to help Intimate relationship conflicts
Relationship problems usually present themselves in the form of one partner engaging in behavior that the other does not like. Other times the complaint is mutual.
The most suitable problems for the techniques explained here are problems that are subject to negotiation, seeking creative solutions and assessing the cost-benefit ratio.
Preliminaries in the conflicts solving method
It is necessary to dedicate a specific and established time and space to the resolution of problems.
The willingness to change to make the other happier is essential to success.
The definition of the conflicts
The definition of the conflicts tries to identify the objective of each member of the couple. Confronting objectives such as winning, revenge, or doing harm are excluded.
Two phases must be clearly separated: the definition phase and the solution phase and carry them out successively without mixing them. When it is defined, no attempt is made to provide a solution or vice versa. We must bear in mind that it is not about going back to the past or complaining, but about defining the problem.
Properly defining the problem includes the following elements:
A positive phrase indicating that there are facets or moments in which the relationship works and the problem is not important.
A description of the undesirable behavior. You have to be specific and reach specific behaviors avoiding at all times the disqualification of the person, but focus on the evaluation of the behavior. It is also about avoiding words like “always” or “everything” that are false and disqualify those who use them.
A specification of the situations in which the defined problem behavior occurs.
The consequences that this behavior has for the component that suffers it, including the feelings that it provokes. It is important that the feelings refer exclusively to the conduct and its consequences and do not lead to disqualification or contempt of the other.
Both members of the couple have to agree that the problem has been defined and for this BOTH have to recognize the part of their responsibility in the generation or maintenance of the problem. If the basic agreement of who has to change for the solution to occur is not reached, a bilateral definition of the conflict can be made. In which the behaviors of both members are included, within the rule of dealing with a single problem at a time.
General rules in the conflicts definition phase
Do not discuss more than one problem at a time.
Both practice active listening by summarizing what the other says before intervening.
Do not make inferences; speak only of what is observed. This includes not making intention judgments by assuming that the other is trying to achieve something that is not observable.
Avoid conflict by being neutral and avoiding negativity or power struggles.
Once you agree on the definition of the problem, you move on to the solution phase. In this phase you have to:
Once you agree on the definition of the problem, you move on to the solution phase. In this phase you have to:
Solution phase
Focus on the solution and not return to the approach over and over again. The best way to stay on the solution is to use the rules of brainstorming.
The solutions must focus on defining changes in the behavior of both and not only in the one has that caused the problem. There is a maxim that says: “if you want someone to change, start by changing yourself”. The change of one must entail positive consequences for him, which implies a change in the other. Assertiveness training can be a good way to agree on a solution.
On the list of alternative solutions that has been generated, an analysis of the pros and cons of each of them is carried out. From this evaluation a consensus must be derived in the solution of the problem. It is convenient that the agreement be made in writing, because it requires greater precision.
Sometimes, if the proposed change is complicated, it is convenient to plan it.
It is necessary to monitor what was agreed to assess whether the appropriate solution has been achieved or if any adjustments need to be made.
